“Today is a day in which I feel like I am letting everyone down.”
The statement above was a candidate for a Facebook post on my personal page. It’s the truth: today is a day in which I feel like, no matter what I happen to be doing, it is not enough. No matter what I say, it is the wrong thing. Today is a day in which, in my mind, I have so totally and completely corrupted my relationships (both professional and personal) that they are beyond repair. Today is a day in which I feel like I am the worst kind of failure, because I am not just a failure to myself, but I hasten the failures of everyone around me.
I have felt this way before. And I will probably feel this way again. I have wanted to write posts like these countless times.
Of course, I don’t. How can I? The deck is stacked against me. Logically, I have so many things going my way. A fantastic job at one of the top companies in the world. A wonderful family, with children who adore me. I am the chief instructor of a dojo that has been successful for nine years (as it’s own entity) and over 13 years in total. I am a fourth degree blackbelt. So I am supposed to be calm, correct, and understand the idea of positive mind.
Logically, I know all of this. Today, and more days than I care to admit, logic isn’t enough. Worse, logic often traps me. I feel guilty for posting anything negative. I feel terrible for saying that I feel insufficient. I should man up! Show mean face! Shrug off these ridiculous feelings and soldier on! There are, after all, so many people who have things worse than I do! Who am I to feel sad?
And yet I do. And yet I am. But rather than express it, I simply wrap my sadness in layers upon layers of guilt. I weight my sadness down in anger so that, instead of just being sad, now I am both sad and angry. I remain silent, but not really–I simply chose not to express how I feel, which results in my anger and sadness and frustration finding some other catalyst for release. Maybe it’s someone not delivering their work on time, or shifting a schedule. Maybe it’s at my kids for not taking a bath when I asked them to, or for saying they did their homework when they did not. Whatever the final outlet, it is wrong. It is not their fault.
So, after so many years, I turn to this blog. To state what I hesitate to say on Facebook. And to acknowledge that being a martial arts instructor does not immunize me from sadness. And to take a small step towards finding the courage to express how I feel, even if there is still a part of me that thinks I am letting people down by doing so.
Today is a day in which I feel like I am letting everyone down. Here’s hoping tomorrow is better.